“In Asian languages the word for ‘mind’ and for ‘heart’ are the same. So if you’re not hearing mindfulness in the same deep way as heartfulness, you’re not really understanding it. Compassion and kindness towards oneself are intrinsically woven into it. You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.”
---Jon Kabat-Zinn
I’ve been sharing the above quote all week in my classes. It gets right to the core of how we can be most fully, joyfully, and generously alive. Then, two days ago, I heard the horrible news that a wonderful friend of mine had just died. We hadn’t been in touch for a bit, but she was one of my “forever” friends and I always looked forward to seeing her again.
But that’s not the story. The story is that Debbie was a genius of friendship and compassion. She embodied the quote above. It’s why she rose to the top of her 40-year profession as a nurse. It’s how she managed to host Thanksgiving dinners in her tiny studio apartment, bringing together a diverse group of people, and turning us all into friends. She was just as kind and generous with herself, and determinedly pursued what brought her joy, whether in the form of vivid red pedicures, volunteering at the ASPCA, and in the medical tent during NYC Marathons as well as many other places, or celebrating her birthday each summer in Tuscany with a houseful of friends.
I was rocked with grief when I heard the news of her death, but after her funeral yesterday what remained in my ‘heartmind’ was the inspiring energy of her ability to have a good time with friends. So, after some cathartic grieving sharpened by tremendous regret that I hadn’t been in closer touch, I turned to the refuge of Qigong alchemy. We learn in TCM that grief and sadness are held in the lungs, and their powerfully strong grip on us can be transformed through sound, imagery, or movement into the lighter, more positive energy of inspiration and courage. We call this “alchemy” because it turns heavy, emotional lead into gold.
My self-recrimination and sadness weren’t doing anyone any good and left me feeling gutted. So, at a reception yesterday, I called on Debbie’s energy to help me flip it. I stepped beyond my comfort zone and did what she would do and had a warm and lively conversation with a woman I hardly knew but thought might become a new friend. I summoned Debbie’s open-hearted, friendly qi, her gift of believing that of course this near stranger would want to hang out! Sure enough, by the end of the reception, my new friend and I were planning a party together.
I share this story because I know many of us suffer from a lack of belief that we are enough, that our efforts are adequate, maybe even that we are lovable. Mindful, heartful compassion, affectionate attention toward oneself and others, is a true super power, one we really need, especially now. So, thank you, Deborah Joy Bernfeld! And thank all of you who practice Qigong with me as we to learn, together, how to make this our way of life.
